I've been writing sad songs even though I've never been happier.
The background to this story is that it's 2:24AM on a Wednesday (now Thursday, I guess) and I'm pretty sure Junkyard coffee is the equivalent of drinking your own soul and understanding the meaning of life for a few hours.
I'm an introvert through and through (although I just realized it in the last 1.5 years or so), so I'm not a huge fan of being outside my very small inner circle. Thanks to my nitro coffee, however, I introduced myself to a bunch of people at my gig tonight, and even went out afterwards to meet up with friends. And I sang karaoke, which I normally hate. And I had a blast.
Objectively, things in my life are going pretty great. I have no reason to complain whatsoever, but anxiety still punches me in the face when I least expect it.
Earlier today I could barely pull myself out of bed, but I took one step to fighting resistance: I went outside to warm up my car so I could go to the gym. When I came back inside, I sat on my bed and just stared at myself in the mirror, trying to silently talk myself into becoming motivated. I was worrying about everything from how many calories I would consume today to my long-term career goals. I forced myself to go to the gym but it wiped me out. I came home, showered, and fell asleep for an hour.
Around 5PM I was finally starting to snap out of it. And then I had a fantastic evening.
Fast forward to two hours ago when I got home. I hung out with my cat and then fixed a pair of mittens, and then I decided to write a song. Since I was in a good mood, I thought the song I would create would be happy...but I was wrong.
The song I created was about a deep guilt for worrying.
In fact, many of the songs I have been writing lately have been about me simply being honest with myself rather than trying to hide under happy lyrics and upbeat melodies.
So I'm not sure what my full studio album will look like next year, but this thought collection is likely a preview of the music I'll be writing. Even though it's not what I'm expecting and probably not what you're expecting, I think honesty will overtake an opaque shell of sunshine.